Pretty Oblivion

A fleeing al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, ‘Do you have water?’

The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.’

The Arab shouted, ‘Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.’

‘OK,’ said the old Jew, ‘it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom.’

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. ‘Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.’

A doctor in Ireland wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”. “Yes, sir!” answers Garge.The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Garge, how was your day?” Garge told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”  “Bravo, Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says Garge . “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this, and what about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on t he table. She spreads her legs and shouts: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man !” “Tunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Garge, what did you do?” asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.”

Jose the Mexican came to Minnesota from the Mexico , and he
was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,

‘Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket,
piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.’

Jose took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the
bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for
ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, ‘It worked. I feel terrific! What
was wrong with me?’

The doctor said,  ‘You were homesick .’