Kitten of War (PIC)
August 30th, 2008
Not to be confused with KittenWar.com
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Archive
Archive for the ‘General’ Category
Guts vs. Balls
June 10th, 2008
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below … there is a difference…
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”
Tick Warning
June 5th, 2008
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally…but this one is real, and it’s important. So
please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your
arms up. DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Good comeback line
May 31st, 2008
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
“I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said…
“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”
Taser
May 28th, 2008
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary and I was looking for a little something “extra” for my wife.
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were sup posed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a> second) and then thought better of it. She’s such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her self against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your a ssailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “NO possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t POSSIBLY hurt all that bad…
I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a “one-second burst”, when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#… that hurt!!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return
3 things of interest
May 27th, 2008
I find these things interesting…
1) Cows, 2) The Constitution, 3) The Ten Commandments.
COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the
mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of
Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11-million aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we
should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it
anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS - The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal”, “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”,
and “Thou Shall Not Lie”, in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians…..It creates a hostile work environment.
