Pretty Oblivion

A couple was celebrating thier 45th anniversary, both were 65 years old. guy took his wife out to dinner, and during dessert, he gave her an old alladin style lamp, she liked them.

she jokingly rubbed it, and a genie popped out and granted each person a wish.

the lady smiled and said, ¨ oh, we always wanted to take a round the world cruise¨

the genie said ¨done, you have two tickets to an all expense paid cruise around the world.¨

guy looks at his wife and says ¨honey, i love you, but i´m sorry. I would like to take this with a woman 30 years younger than me.¨

the genie looked at the wife, who was mortified, and said ¨sorry, a wish is a wish¨

and poof, the guy was 95 years old.

A bald headed man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his hairless head and his peg leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible, because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter strongly expressing his indignation.
A week later, he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have merely gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company an even nastier letter to complain.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed walnuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, sprinkle and pat the crushed nuts on, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil!….You don’t even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. ‘Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?’

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted
Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,’Very good,’ and Ma ry Margaret fell ba ck asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this? ‘
The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’ Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked-

‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?’

A couple was going out for the evening.

They’d gotten ready, all dolled up but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: ‘He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother’.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

‘Sorry I took so long’ he says. ‘Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with the coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!’

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.    I saw her snatch this morning  during her warm up and it was amazing

2.  Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her Mother.

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents,  especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “There are three reasons why I want an increase..
The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No but the gardener did.”

SHE GOT THE RAISE

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

‘I’m sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ‘

‘No,’ she replied. . .

‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

A man employed by the government found a dusty silver lamp in the storeroom of his office building. Suprised, he began to dust off the lamp…

Suddenly, a magic genie appeared, and said that he would grant the man 3 wishes…

“Really!” the man responded, awestruck.

“I wish to be on a beautiful deserted tropical island”
The genie then clapped his hands, and they were transported where the man requested…

Wow, the man thought…
“I wish that I was surrounded by beautiful, naked women that are infatuated with me”
The genie again clapped his hands, and soon the man had dozens of beautiful women fawning all over him.

“For my final wish,” the man said, “I wish I never had to work again.”

The genie clapped his hands for a third time, and the man found himself back at his government office….

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop  and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the  display window?’

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for$19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s  Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends,  and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.