Pretty Oblivion

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,” Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.  Any comments?”

His new bride said:
“No, that’s fine with me  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”

(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She’s such a bitch…

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say, I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses,
he casually asked, “Is that one word or two?”

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the Misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t done in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck and slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then placed his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, worked down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, ‘Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

“I found the remote,” he mumbled.