Cool Car
August 20th, 2008
Archive
Archive for the ‘Religious’ Category
The Easter Bunny
July 5th, 2008
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
June 6th, 2008
Grandma’s letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Granddaughter:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he Hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God!
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking Towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Money from god
June 3rd, 2008
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God–Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
May 28th, 2008
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though,
that the place is filling up fast, and we have been
administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before
you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big
enough test as it was.”
St Peter continues, “Yes I know, Forrest, but the test is
only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up,
and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replies, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week
begins with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
“Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point,
and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you
credit for that answer.
How about the next one?” asked Peter.
“How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with
twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter.
“I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third
and final question.
Can you tell me God’s first name?”
“Sure,” Forrest replied,
“it’s Andy.”
“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St. Peter.
“OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up
with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied.
“I learnt it from the song, “ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”
St Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
“Run, Forrest, run.”
KFC: The Lord’s Prayer
May 27th, 2008
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change “The Lord’s Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and again the Pope refused the man’s generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.
The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, “I have some good news and some bad news. ‘The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”’
A new priest
May 25th, 2008
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the
shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was
knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his
ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the
‘Big T.’
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last
supper he said, ‘take this and eat it for it is my
body.’ He did not say ‘ Eat me’ .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called ‘ Mary
with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is
not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling
contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy’s
