Pretty Oblivion

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The G.I. who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts, in feudalism it’s your Count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don’t join dangerous cults — Practice safe sects!

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in hi birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”

He knew he was not gettin g lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.

he looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

Here’s a prime example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

THE FOLLOWING WAS ACTUALLY TURNED IN BY TWO OF HIS ENGLISH STUDENTS: REBECCA AND GARY.

THE STORY: (FIRST PARAGRAPH BY REBECCA)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(SECOND PARAGRAPH BY GARY) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.” A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(REBECCA) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(GARY) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(REBECCA) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(GARY) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort ofF @$%*!@ TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an airheaded bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!” Wah, wah, wah!!!!!!!

(REBECCA) Asshole.

(GARY) Bitch

(REBECCA) Fuck YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(GARY) Go drink some tea – W$%#@!

(TEACHER) *A+ – I REALLY LIKED THIS ONE

(Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.)

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’

<Moonpie> one time, in middle school, some people let some pigs onto the campus. They painted on the pigs “1″, “2″, and “4″. The faculty spent weeks looking for the third one.

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<Calren> Zaphod, do you think that if I arrange AOL CD’s in a pentagram I will be able to use the powers of darkness to control the actions of mortals?

—

(@Li-Sonder) i’m going to build a castle from the empty soda cans on my desk
(@Li-Sonder) and declare myself king of this desk
(@Li-Sonder) and rule it with an iron fist
(@Li-Sonder) and make all the ants pay taxes
(@Li-Infinite) wow
(@Li-Infinite) you got way too much time on your hand.
(@Li-Sonder) you mean my iron fist.

—

<SmilinBob> !8ball… what’s wrong with my e-mail?
<FarkStats> SmilinBob: Ask again later.
<SmilinBob> !8ball what’s wrong with my e-mail?
<FarkStats> SmilinBob: Outlook not so good.

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queenren24: i need your advice
queenren24: cause you’re a guy and all
MrFluffyPants26: that I am
queenren24: what would you, as a guy, rather have for your birthday or christmas: a video game or that axe stuff that smells SOOO good?
MrFluffyPants26: Axe DOES smell good…
MrFluffyPants26: what video game?
queenren24: rome: total war
MrFluffyPants26: hm…
MrFluffyPants26: probably the game
MrFluffyPants26: but give him sexual favors too
MrFluffyPants26: can’t go wrong with that
queenren24: :O
MrFluffyPants26: precisely

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<tima> i found that the only way to keep my appartement clean is to start occational fires
<WillaCuz> everyone that rides in my car says ‘i feel lik im in the batmobile’
<pagan> thats cuz you wear that fucking rediculouse outfit

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<Char> i think my favourite smooth move of his was when she said in aim he was kind of being creepy
<Char> so he got her mobile number form somewhere and phoned to apologise

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<EiNHanDeR MK II> does anyone find it peculiar that the winner of the running olympics is black, and the white guys always win rifle and accuracy competitions?

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<Curt^> and mexicans try so hard to goto my land
<Filefragg> electric fences would help
<Curt^> Mexicans would just use them as a power source

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“no.. a freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.”

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man do I need a wifi card for my laptop; I tried to plug into a router at a downtown coffee shop and they got all mad at me

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<justie> i did something stupid
<justie> chmod -x chmod
<justie> anyone knows how to fix it?

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Unregistered> I think shes finally lost it…she sitting in the corner going *beep* *beep* and pretending shes a computer in the hope I will pay attention to her….

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lemonlimeskull: You know you’ve been chatting too long when you think C:/> is some kind of depressed Arab smiley.

—

MorningQueen: Why are you against abortion?
MassHypnosisJoe: I’m just against women making choices

—

<Demon Beaver> So, at the LAN-party, there was a new guy.
<Demon Beaver> And when he went for a drink, we snuck up to his pc, and created a folder called Horse-Porn on the desktop.
<Demon Beaver> Then we took a screenshot, put it as his wallpaper, and deleted the folder.
<Demon Beaver> He tried to get rid of that folder for 3 hours! ^^

—

<Omnica> Man, I love air new zealand… the flight attendant was saying the usual about emergency exits and shit when suddenly “and for those passengers who are sitting in first class, instead of life jackets, you will find parachutes under your seat thank you and enjoy your flight”

—

Pep Boy Manny02: I was a little disappointed yesterday.
Pep Boy Manny02: Got “Religion for Dummies” from the library.
Pep Boy Manny02: You know how the “…For Dummies” books usually have the bomb icon for, “Don’t do this!”?
Pep Boy Manny02: This one didn’t.

—

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
–> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@ cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<– Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

—

Does it say something about me when my idea of a peaceful evening is when I’m curled up in front of the warm glow of a CRT with a good PDF?

—

This End-User License is an agreement between Microsoft Corporation (hereafter referred to as “Microsoft”) and you, the end-user (hereafter referred to as “our bitch”).

—

<[BAD]Beef> I AM SO SMART
<[BAD]Beef> follow my reasoning
<[BAD]Beef> my comp has no floppy drive
<[BAD]Beef> so I go downstairs to make a boot floppy on another comp
<[BAD]Beef> I come back in my room with the floppy in my hand
<[BAD]Beef> and bang my head against the wall

—

<@charlie_x> i have a command line program on my pc called dont.com
<@charlie_x> if you type dont format c:\
<@charlie_x> it says
<@charlie_x> “ok i wont”

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Clainsynar: What if all numbers were multiples of pi and our integer system was wrong?
TokMor: stop having such irrational thoughts

—

DerANgeD: not cool! ctrl+w closes firefox
DerANgeD: I was trying to press shift+w and accidentally hit my ctrl button
Triumph: whats shift+w?
DerANgeD: a capital W dumbass

—

*** Darth-Phenom is now known as Guest38697
*** Sopabuena is now known as Guest21415
*** TheRealMatt is now known as Guest60273
*** Whitney is now known as Guest15303
<Flirbnic> Hey, cool. The sum of all the Guest numbers that just occurred in here, divided by 8, equals 16961.
<Flirbnic> $calc((15303+60273+38697+21415)/8)
<Flirbnic> …
<Flirbnic> I have no life.

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(Mootar) morons.
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they’re super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer

—

<samsim> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion’s den at the zoo
<samsim> and got mauled
<samsim> and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
<samsim> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
<samsim> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in

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<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls

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<Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado

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<VolteFace`> don’t you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
<peng> …
<peng> what?
<VolteFace`> oh shit
<VolteFace`> don’t you hate it when you DROP shit

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(Elim) bah had to do finals today….finals they’re like sex, i get done too quick, and i sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong…

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<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n
<Thunder> wait
<Thunder> why u guys always say pr0n instead of porn ??
Thunder has been kicked by Guardian (No porn on this channel !)
<Cobra> …
<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n

—

<FoXeh> The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass
<FoXeh> Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
<FoXeh> Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
<FoXeh> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
<FoXeh> Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
<FoXeh> Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
<FoXeh> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

—

<ChevyCXVII> I just downloaded WinRARInstaller.rar, I’d like to know what moron put that one together.

—

ZOverLord says: Cat in Germany Has Bird Flu.
ZOverLord says: BERLIN – The deadly strain of bird flu has been found in a cat in northern Germany, the first time the virus has been identified in the country in an animal other than a bird, a national lab said Tuesday.
AmeritecTech says: This will not be good for already tense cat-bird relations.

—

< Darien> I saw a coworker trying to figure out how to make his chair lean back
< Darien> he was on the ground looking at the bottom of it
< Darien> we talk about the chairs for a minute or so
< Darien> then he puts on his headset, hits a button on his phone, and says ‘Sorry ma’am, thanks for holding.’

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<inspin> so just as I cutting into my pizza, the bell rang
<inspin> It was the little girl from nextdoor, asking where my sister was
<inspin> so I hold up the knife covered in tomatosauce and say in an evil voice “she’s not here right now”
<3ll3> LOL
<inspin> so she screams and runs away
<inspin> I felt guitly so I start chasing her saying “I’m sorry”
<inspin> Then her father sees me chasing after his little girl with, what he must have thougt, a bloody knife
<3ll3> I hope he called the cops on you
<inspin> well no, but I don’t think I’m getting my knife back anytime soon

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<LawrenceC> Some of us in another channel have come up with the perfect replacement for the Pledge of Allegiance!
<LawrenceC> You see, our genious plan was to take the Pledge of Allegiance, as it stands, and run it through Babelfish a few times.
<LawrenceC> So, after transating it to Spanish and back, then to Korean and back, we came up with:
* Jinnai|Shigoto fears lawrence’s next statement :P
* Leliel also :P
<LawrenceC> “Me with the flag of United States of United States the republic which it stops, in the nation all for a loyalty, in freedom and process, it promised in the shoes lower part it will be able to divide c.”
<Suika|away> divide c!
<Suika|away> that’s so moving

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<@guinea-pig> an ion walks into a bar and says “i think i left an electron here lastnight”
<@guinea-pig> and the bartender says “are you positive?”
<sunny> hahahahaha
<mikegrb> that is awesome
<@guinea-pig> yes, we are geeks

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<Adjaro> i hate the internet
<Adjaro> i have spent 15 minutes looking for george bush with a lightsaber
<Adjaro> and have found NOTHING

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<Korras> friendship among women: one doesn’t come home one night, and tells her bf that she spent the night with a female friend of hers. bf calls 10 of her friends, and none know a thing.
<Korras> friendship amongst men: same thing happens. man says he spent the night at a friends place. gf calls 10 of his friends. 8 confirm he has been there, and the two others say he’s still there.

—

<ensis> Well folks, I’m off to the farm
<ensis> I can actually say that too, how funny
<Bomp> They’re lying
<Bomp> You’re going to be put down

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

‘So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

‘Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

‘Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

‘I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

‘I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

Two women friends had gone for a girls’ night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”

“That’s nothing,” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..

‘From all of us at the Fire Station…
We’ll never forget you.’ “

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.(I’m at this level.)

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”?  Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?